I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
