watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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