i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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