Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
