I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
