Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
