I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
