I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And then my night got REAL pukey
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
