I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
