I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
