I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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