you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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