I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
