Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
