New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
