I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
