I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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