She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
