i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
