Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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