Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
