please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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