She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
