but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
