I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
