We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
