My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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