my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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