I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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