I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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