What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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