Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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