If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
