Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
