have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
