If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
