did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
