I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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