Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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