Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
