It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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