You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
