thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
