census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
