OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
