One girl and one boy is just not enough.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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