Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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