I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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