Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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