I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
