that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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