Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
