I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
