i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
