i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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