You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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